We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
