you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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