i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize