if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
