Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
