Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
