we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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