She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
