I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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