At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
