I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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