if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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