When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
