When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
