cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
