All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
