I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize