I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
