why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
