I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
