remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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