new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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