I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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