Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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