i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
