Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
