I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
