Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
