You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
