i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
