They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
