# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
