my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize