I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
