omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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