i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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