There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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