You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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