I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
