I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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