So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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