i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
