is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
