You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
