I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your cock deserves a montage
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
