I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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