i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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