Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
