You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
