first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
