someone threw a dead crab at me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
