Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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