I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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