did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
