I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
