oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
