I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
this hospital has no fireball
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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